Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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