I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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