what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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