Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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