alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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