it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Someone shit on the floor
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
