I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
