dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
