they need to just BURY HIM!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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