I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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