This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
