I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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