If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
