everyone is single if you try hard enough
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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