I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
