then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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