I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
