i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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