On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize