Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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