He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
