the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
this boner is exhausting
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
