I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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