Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
