I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We are two peas in an std pod
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
