My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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