Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
