My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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