Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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