I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
