i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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