Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
