just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
what day is it and did you see me today?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
