Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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