my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
