FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
