when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
