so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
