Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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