a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We just shotgunned beers for America
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
