if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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