It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
