my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
