Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You've changed since you got that strap on
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
