I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
