My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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