If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
