I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
