Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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