uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
