Sober January is a disaster.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
