I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
