his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
