Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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