11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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