dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
