Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
