i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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