the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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