Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
