I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
