All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Is that strawberry winking at me??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
