I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
