3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
