Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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