I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
