guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
