my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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