apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
