I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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