Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
